I'M SO HUGE RIGHT NOW

Effective/fun workouts have always been a popular concept... I think they always will. There'll always be a new video/formula/exercise that gets you super fit. I've attempted some of these myself... 300 workout, sparticus, etc. etc. Remember Tae Bo? Hip Hop Abs? Pole Dancing as a work out? p-90X is really popular now. SO MANY. Freakin' Jane Fonda is still at it. How old is she... 70's? and she has a NEW work out dvd wtf?



She looks like she's suffering -_-. How many breaks did they have to take cause she might have stroked out?

And WHY is Beethoven behind her reading a newspaper?

Originally, I was going to do this entry on belly dancing cause I was watching FitTv and it's ridiculous... maybe I'll come to it later. But last night I discovered something so much better...


SHAKE WEIGHT FOR MEN. Please watch the video. It's hilarious with all the grunting and shaking.... HAHA and if you don't see the masturbation entendre (can i use that word there?) well, it's there.

HAHAH @ 10/15 seconds: "GRRRRR! Whew! That's it."

"The faster you shake, the more intense and challenging your work out."


$29.95 for "SCIENCE FACT, NOT FICTION"

After seeing it I spent the rest of the night out imitating it cause it was so captivating.

I'M SO HUGE RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

DANCE UP ON HIS MOM!

Crazy week. Procrastinated a huge project but I got through it... I think. We'll see how the results show up.

So it was my birthday weekend last week. Woohoo turned 24. I wasn't going to do anything cause I usually don't, but some of my friend Alan decided to throw a party for me. It was supposed to be a surprise... but the progression into the night was note worthy -

So going to dinner:

Alan: So hey, it's your birthday!
Me: Oh yeah! lol
Alan: So - I'm having people over at my place... wanna come over? We're gonna make pina coladas and stuff @ around 9?
Me: Eh... I don't know I'm busy...maybe I'll come out later?
Alan: ...ok.

At dinner:

Alan: So hey. Y'know that thing I'm having at my place? That was supposed to be a surprise. For you. You should come.
Me: Ah. K.


Going to party:

Adam: I can't go crazy.
Me: No way dude, it's going to be mild, chill, how bad can pina coladas get?
Adam: Word.


So just a few of us got there - it was real good times and then my friend, Kwon decided to pull a fast one on me and whipped out this nasty bottle of vodka.



This will hurt you.

After - we decided to go to a bar and on entering we realized... hey! It's mom's weekend! It's basically a weekend everyone's mom comes down and goes to bars with their kids -_-.

So we're hanging out - music playing we're just dancing around and I make eye contact with this dude with his friends and moms and he comes up to me all "What! What! Show me what you got! Show me what you got!" One of those encounters and then after he watched me for a little it became :



ty Jessica for the lovely pic

Wtf? So weird - but THEN I hear "YEAH! DANCE UP ON HIS MOM!" from my corner. And he's still going "YEAH! DANCE UP ON MY MOM! HEY, MOM!"

lol. So much of my 24th was spent with a circle of mothers and their children watching me in a bar. Happy Bday!

Reponse to Rudeness is Rage

First thing I noticed over the past week - if the U.S. Census Bureau does not seem to think you are filling out the census they will spam mail you. Not like put it in your spam box and delete spam mail you - they will physically spam mail you.



I'm holding like 10+ Census things in my hand of all different sizes. 3 people live in my apartment. ha

Anyway -

Frankly, I think customer service reps and I weren't meant to get along. I don't understand why. I'm very polite and patient on the phone. No joke. Sometimes I'll crack a joke here and there - being a telephone service rep has got to suck and I totally understand so I try to be a good customer... but taking it out on someone else who calls is NOT going to make your day better, especially if it's me.

Long story short - a friend of mine came down for the weekend to hang out but I wanted to do an errand for my church so I left him to his own devices at my apartment. After I had returned, we went out to eat, got drinks, went home, passed out, and he left town. I wake up - go onto my computer - and I have a computer virus. Now this friend had the same virus last week on HIS computer...and now it's on mine.... I know correlation doesn't mean causation but just sayin'.

So - after being on the phone with him I was told to download all these programs to fix my junk. They failed. So then I bought this program that was supposed to help me fix my registry. While this was scanning my computer, I figured I'd call someone I knew who was good with computers. I left a voicemail that day - and still have not received a reply. I think that's rude, BUT W/E GUESS I DON'T KNOW EM LIKE THAT.

FINALLY, FINALLY my computer begins to breathe some sort of life no thanks to the program I purchased - and the website said "IF CUSTOMER IS NOT SATISFIED WITH RESULTS THEY MAY RETURN THEIR KEY FOR A REFUND." YOU CAN'T GET MORE ANY CLEAR WITH THAT RIGHT?

And here is my customer service call:

*ring ring gay menu press 1, 4, 1, 3, wait 10 minutes

Charlotte: Hello, this is Charlotte speaking. Can I help you?

-Immediately I detect our friend Charlotte is not happy. So I decided to be nice.-

Me: Hi! I recently purchased your product - actually today, and it didn't work out the way it said it would - I would like to cancel my order.
Charlotte: What's your order ID?
Me: [Order ID]
Charlotte: Mr. Chew?
Me: Yes.

-I really think that when non-Asian people read 3 letter last names, they must add some sort of twist or special rules to the letters i.e. 'o' in my name is actually prounounced 'ew' or 'ow' or 'banana' -


Charlotte: Why do you want to return this?
Me: The program didn't help me out the way I needed so I want to return it.
Charlotte: You can't do that.
Me: Why not?
Charlotte: Because you bought it.
Me: Oh - well that's why I'm returning it, haha.
Charlotte: No.
Me: ....[waiting for more than that]
Charlotte: Is there anythin more I ca-
Me: Wait, wait. I'm reading it here on the website about the return policy - I'm supposed to be able to return this.
Charlotte: Just cause it's there doesn't mean you're right.
Me: How is that so? It shouldn't be up there then.
Charlotte: You're ignorant.

-WHOA. wtf. I don't understand WHERE that came from. When I'm in these situations I swear but when I'm pushed further I skip the swearing I just wanna say something mean....So I did. -

Me: Go die in a fire cause apparently you're not good for anything else.

- and then I hung up -

Aftermath: I RAGED at my computer for being sooooooooooooooooooo virus-y. I sent a cold and straightforward to their support address saying I wanted my refund or else I'm disputing the charge with my cc's bank. No response. Rude.

Hello, Random Girl

Some random:

Is it me or does everyone who wants to be taller always wants 1.5 to 2 inches in height? Enough to make a difference, but a modest amount. There's a pretty hot girl in one of my classes and she always smiles at me when we make eye contact, but I help but think if it's not friendly flirting but her feeling superior since she's a TADBIT taller. If latter: kick her in the knee cap.

Everyone is wearing horn rimmed something nowadays, whether it be glasses or sunglasses. Even the 3D glasses are kind of like that. I saw a girl wearing them with the 3D plastic part popped out, so she just had the plastic frame on. Wtf. She had this tattoo of stars on her arm but the tiny little stars looked like tiny bugs on her arm from far away. I wanted to tell her but that could be upsetting.

This picture is funny:




The spam comments are kind of getting out of control. Lots of porn and random gaming websites and gaming porn hybrid sites are spamming me. Gaming + porn. Making porn interactive - that's kind of sickly genius. I don't know how to stop it.


I have to go to a computer lab to print my stuff. I've made it a habit to check my blog for comments while on the computer or to just review blogs to see if I like something or not. As I was slowly scrolling past the picture of the volleyball player's ass tightly wrapped in a sad excuse for spandex shorts, a girl tapped my shoulder:

Girl: Hey.
Me: *Turn (FCK! She probably thinks I'm some sort of pervert) Hi.
Girl: You read this blog?
Me: (W/e I'll never see her again) Yeah...
Girl: I've read it too!
Me: ( :D ) Yeah it's pretty funny.
Girl: It's alright.
Me: (Wtf.)
Girl: My friend's friend showed it to me - it's just kinda funny he knows sucha weird guy.
Me: (Fck you, talking to a stranger about a blog. YOU'RE THE WEIRDO) Hahaha, I guess - he's just being honest y'know?
Girl: Meh. He could write about something else.
Me: (wtf well I don't want YOU to read it) I mean.... w/e.
Girl: huh?
Me: Print. *I get up to go print and walk past her. [Lol I said 'print' to dismiss myself)


WELL RANDOM GIRL I AM THE WRITER.

But at the same time I was glad - people are actually reading my stuff and I know you can't please everyone so...

Note to girl: Walking away from you was rude, and I saw the face you made at me, it was an ugly face. I intended it to be so cause I didn't sleep and you put me in a bad mood. So I apologize, but the half-ass type of apology where I tell you I'm sorry you can have your own opinion but then I go to my friends and justify myself cause you made me mad. HAVE A GOOD DAY

Bad Habits, Half Naked Girls

I've been lazy.

Buncha things to talk about so straight to it
-
So looking back during my spring break I've realized I've developed a bad habit of pointing and laughing. I think I was doing it just to kid around with some people but the habit's REALLY sticking.



So... how do you know if a habit is sticking? I think a sure fire sign is when it just comes out and you think in your head..."Oh damn...can't believe I did that."

For example...

My friend came back for spring break and he gained some weight. Ok...not some he gained a lot lololol like his face got bloated. Right when I saw him I...

1. *High five!
2. "Long time no see!"
3. *Bro-hug!
4. *Look at him...*point HAHA DUDE YOU GOT SO FAT

Lol. It's a wonder there are multiple people wishing for my obesity.

But even more so than friends -

So when I get off the bus I have to cross an intersection to walk to my apartment complex. Usually it's a bunch of students walking together cause classes ended and what not. There was still some snow on a ground so we're all just walking through it and the girl in front of me walking...

1. *steps on something she didn't notice on ground
2. *looks down and observes that she just stepped on a dead goose buried in the snow (lol it's been there for a while)
3. *registers that she just stepped on a pretty big, dead bird.
4. *begins to cry hysterically
5. It is here I pointed and ROFL'd

Haha, I don't know why it was SO FUNNY. I guess just the whole process of watching that unfold... I think what was worse was I was kinda embarrassed so I walked by her really fast but I couldn't hold in my laughter so I'm walking past her laughing like a douche haha. Omg she gave me the most dirty stare. Actually a couple people did... "Oh damn...can't believe I did that." BUT SOMEONE LAUGHED WITH ME probably cause I lol'd. We'll see how this habit pans out I suppose.

More recently,

I've been going to the gym this past week and I think for school volleyball the girls were working out. I must say, some of them were pretty freakin' hot. But as I was running I overheard...

"Omg, fckin' perv I needs to stop staring at my ass."
"Ugh, I hate it when there's too many guys up here."

Understandable. Men are animals, staring at your buttocks. And when you're all bent over straining on weights all hot n' sweaty, it's just rude to stare. Oh yeah - this is what they looked like from behind:



Yah no shit someone's gonna stare you stupid chick. Might as well just spray paint your bare ass and go out running in public. Put some pants on if you're gonna complain...

Or don't cause it's HAWT, errr impedes performance. (srsly how does that crap help anyway -_-)

Eavesdroppin' on baby mama drama

So last night my neighbors were having a party. The only thing I know about my neighbors is that they are black, HUGE, one of them has a girlfriend, and they have a dog. They might be on some sort of U of I sports team cause they always have the gear on...not sure.

So at around 2am, someone at the party was getting into a tussle with a girl and they decided to step outside.

They were yelling and screaming and I didn't pay much mind until about 30 minutes later when I realized I could actually hear them pretty clearly. At this point it was late so I decided what a convenience it would be if I just turned off my light and got into bed and got in on the conversation. (My bed is next to the window, and so what? I was curious.)I must say, I was quite shocked at what I heard.


They didn't say each other's names...so they will just remain guy/girl.

Guy: Girl, you know where I been right?
Girl: ...
Guy: You said you didn't know me before but you know me NOW. You know where I grown up how you gonna act like that?
Girl: But TJ said -
Guy: Oh don't give me that bull about what T said. Fck what T said! This is about you and me girl!
Girl: But people saw you feelin' up that chick at Soma! How am I gonna let that go!?
Guy: I was NOT feelin' her baby! She got up on me and I was being a gentleman and tellin' her no. I won't lie people might have seen my touchin' her but it wasn't like that!

At this I said, oh my God that's not gonna fly.

Girl: Ugh, I told you that ho was tryin' to get up on ya.
Guy: Baby, I'm all for you girl!
Girl: Ugh...

Wtf.

Girl: But you ain't gotta touch her! (she started getting mad again) You makin' me feel like I'm all crazy and paranoid but I have every RIGHT to be. TJ was right I ain't havin' that! [starts walkin' away]
Guy: BABY. Don't you walk away from me girl. You know why I'm callin' you crazy n shit? It's cause you GOT to be crazy not to see my love for you girl! You feel me? You remember?
Girl: What. (like really cold) We both know you ain't committ-id (not committed. commit-id) to US.
Guy: BABY. I AM committed! No way you gonna deny that! You gonna be my baby's mama - that's all there is girl!
Girl: ....*sniff* really?

wtf.

Guy: Girl you know that's how we get down. We gonna do it like that.
Girl: Let's do it now.
Guy: huh?


lol the rest was just him tryin' to get outta that mess but I stopped paying attention cause I had to write this down.




Never tell a girl she's gonna be your baby's mama.

Engagement Presents

Something I got off of http://boston.barstoolsports.com

Like I said.... you never think anyone can see you... til you know someone does








All smiles here!

Shame on You, Slut

A reoccurring thing that happens to me is that I see things that people don't want people to see. Does that make sense? I mean it's not things like masturbating, no one wants anyone to see that unless you're some sort of exhibitionist. It's more along the lines of they don't want the people they know to see what they're doing... acts of unfaithfulness basically. Two instances call out to me the most cause they're so similar.

I only call the people mentioned in this sluts cause what I catch them doing is semi-slutty. K here it is:

My First Slut

My first was towards the end of my senior year in high school - there was some sort of dance going on for all the Korean kids 18 and under and my friend wanted to go...so we went. It was HOT and SWEATY and through the mist of sweat I see an acquaintance's girlfriend grinding up on some dude, not her boyfriend. I mean - no biggie, people do it. I mean this girl was cute -... i just remember her being like 5ft nothing actually.

And THEN 5 minutes later while she is dancing with some dog of a guy humping her ass this other guy walks up to them and starts grinding on her front. Seriously looked like they were trying to start a fire with their crotches from all the rubbing going on down there. Lol and at one point the guy in the front kinda grabs the guy in the back's shirt unknowingly to grind on her harder lolol so they're kinda like sandwiching her using each other as support. Finally, she makes eye contact w/ me, releases herself from the crotches and is like OMGGGGGGGG! blah blah blah plz don't tell. They always make it a big deal - I never say anything. I guess I'm good at giving you a 'shame on you' face.

Muscle Slut

During college I've had various attempts at going to the gym on a consistent basis... never really happens. There was a time where I did go nice and early in the morning for about a week. It's nice cause the gym is virtually empty at the time and you can do whatever. So muscle slut's boyfriend goes to a different school. I know them both...not well but I know them. So I'm going to go bench press and there on one of the benches muscles slut is sitting on top of some guy lying down and she's grinding her ass on top of him. From my angle I was like OMG ARE THEY HAVING SEX?! * go look closer * BUT! she wasn't on his wang. She was on his STOMACH and she was like grinding on his abs? -_- and the story went something like:

"Nooo~~~~~ we're just friends he was just telling me my ass was flabby and I was telling him his stomach was and we were seeing who's was harder [she said firmer but harder sounds better for this story purposes]."

Well m'dear I could tell you clearly from seeing that in terms of hardness it goes [your ass < his abs < his penis]. Lolol it was funny he didn't get up for a bit.

I mean it was so stupid cause there were OTHER people there but when I came they were all wtf... no shame.


I guess it's just funny you don't really think anyone sees until you see someone you know seeing YOU. Slut.

Spam Worthy

Blah lazy.

It's nice to know people are reading my stuff. I get random people telling me "Haha, read your blog did that really happen?" Or my sister would call me and say "Omg Douglas, you're ridiculous!" (like the spell....harry potter). I love the comments, I never respond or delete em cause I like the reactions I get... but what makes me believe that I'm doing something right... is that I'm getting SPAM on my blog!

I mean someone out there programmed something that somehow saw my blog and computed "Y'know, this is worth my RAM space. Let's spam him." And i've been getting a bunch here and there. So I figured I'd share my spam. I picked out the most common one and it's from....

別亂想.

To be REALLY honest I thought it was someone leaving me a comment or link or something to a blog....seriously! lol I have no idea who that is or how to say it - it's in Chinese. igoogle translation made it into - "别乱would like to" So i'm guessing that foreign first part is a name and would like to.... and something naughty. Something naughty because it's PORNO SPAM! HEHEHEHE. I don't really know why I'd get porno spam... and on top of that ASIAN porno spam. Lol this is kind of a crude entry btw =P So of course I clicked on it! and found out it was porn and wtf'd

So here it is - analyzed by yours truly -



What I find the most interesting is that even though it's mostly in Chinese, the KEY points are in understandable to the English reader. You must be 18, as it is highlighted top left. It's obviously an Asian site, girl on left. To enter press the PINK flashy button - I mean c'mon who would make their exit button pink flashing (It was flashing but I took a pic so it's still) and the enter one grey. And something is LIVE - so I'm thinking it's a live web service type of deal.

I did not click further. I mean honestly I woulda explored further but I am deathly afraid of real spam and pop up nonsense or maybe the Chinese government is using their porn sites to get info outta me. WHO KNOWS.

But it was a... nice, reassuring thing to get.... this porno spam of mine.

HEHE

*edit*

I also noticed another spam....
I... can't go to it. url: Emo-boys.com

wtf no thx.

Tiger's #1 Fan

So the whole Tiger thing is kinda old news - the man may or may not be in rehab for being addicted to sex and vicodin/ambien or w/e. But, what has been so beautiful about this tale is how it had unfolded and progressed to my mom - who I believe is his greatest fan, ever.

I believe it was a three part process:

Stage 1: The Accident

Tiger crashes his Caddy. Some speculation on what's happening, his wife is hailed as a hero for kinda saving him from the wreckage....why does she have a golf club in her hand?

Me: Ma - did you hear about Tiger Woods? He got into an accident.
Mom: Ah yes... oh poor Tiger...
Me: People are saying he cheated on his wife and she was trying to kick his ass with a golf club.
Mom: NO. You don't say those things. That's making rumor. Are you a Christian?
Me: Wtf. It's just what the news is saying.
Mom: Don't talk about it.

Stage 2: He's a Cheat

Woods has a mistress and apologizes. Accenture, Gilette, and some other big sponsors drop him.

[I made my mom watch the reports]

Me: All his sponsors dropped him.
Mom: It's okay.
Me: They said it's cause his character doesn't fit them anymore. They said his integrity isn't good for company image.
Mom: They don't know Tiger well. Tiger can come back from anything. (cause she does -_-)
Me: He had a mistress -_-.
Mom: She's a whore. My Tiger can do anything.
Me: wtf.

Stage 3: Tiger and Rehab

Settlement, rehab, etc.

Me: His wife is getting like $300 million bucks
Mom: She's a bad woman.
Me: Mom - he cheated on her, and he's a sex addict.
Mom: She's just GREEDY taking SO MUCH money. She made the rumor. See? You don't do that. Christian doesn't do that.
Me: wtf.
Mom: Tiger is going to rehab because he wants to show people he's CHANGING. When are you going to change and grow up?
Me: wtf.
Mom: ugggggggh, thinking about my son is so stressful. When will you grow and learn to fly (she uses this analogy like a bird leaving the nest and flying)? I can't take care of you forever. Learn to be like Tiger and fly so I don't have to worry.



wtf.

Customer Care - YOU DON'T KNOW

Already busy - bleh. Anyway... I am dedicating an entry to:



Pavlov Media.

Pavlov is the internet provider at my apartment complex - I believe it is also the purple dog that I stabbed in that picture. They are basically a wannabe Comcast/Cablevision company that provides cable tv and internet. BUT THEY'RE SO BAD. SOOOOOOOOOOO BAD. I looked at some forums regarding this company cause I thought it was just my crappy apartment but apparently it's just an all around suck company.

One of the posts from dslreports.com was from a poster named "Pavlov sux dk"

"If at all possible, never get pavlov media as a service provider. Not only does all of their services suck, when you try and talk to someone on the phone you get some poonjab on the other side of the world who has never seen an hdtv or wireless internet devices. They read how to guides off of a computer and have no clue about the actual problem. You can never get an actual technician on the phone nor do they care to fix your problem. AVOID PAVLOV AT ALL COSTS!!!"

Several other posts like this from South Carolina, Florida, Wisconsin, etc.

I have had MANY encounters with Pavlov customer service... and I could definitely understand what people were ranting about. I've called many times in hopes that they would do something after my spam because the internet here cuts out or gets notoriously slow. I am generally a very patient person... until the last showdown I had with my customer care rep, Marcy.

Oh - I guess should explain my approach to customer services. I believe that even though you're frustrated and having problems with w/e service you're getting - if you're really friendly to the customer care rep, they're more inclined to help you. This was not the case with Marcy. I made this call during a 20 hr block of no internet.


Marcy: Hello, thank you for calling Pavlov, this is Marcy. Who am I speaking to?
Me: Doug Cho.
Marcy: Okay, Mr. Chow how can I help you. (Ok, so I SOMETIMES understand when people READ my name and say Chow. But HEARING my name and saying it. Wtf.)
Me: Basically--
Marcy: Is this your first time calling?
Me: Oh no. I think it's my 17th? Haha.
Marcy: There is no need to use sarcasm with me, sir I'm just trying to help. Can I have your phone number so I can view your past logs?
Me: Oh I'm serious! Yeah, it's 123-456-7890
Marcy: ... Oh... you've called quite a few times before.
Me: Yeah... I think 17. Heh. (Still trying to be nice)

(After explaining the situation)

Marcy: We're going to run some tests. Are you using a wired connection or wireless.
Me: I'm using my ethernet cord.
Marcy: No, you have to be plugged into the wall for us to know the cause of the problem.
Me: Yeah, the cord's in the wall.
Marcy: Are you sure you get it? Not the router.
Me: I'm positive.
Marcy: These tests are just wasting time if you're not.
Me: I'm plugged into the wall.
Marcy: Ok. Can you run a speed test for me at the following website: www.speakeasy.com/speedtest
Me: K, I'm trying.
Marcy: And?
Me: It's not loading. I don't think it's going to load y'know?
Marcy: You probably typed the URL wrong. It's W, W, W, - S as in Sigma, P as in Pit, E as in Ear, A as in Alpha, K as in.... K. E as in Ear, A as in Alpha, S as in Sigma, Y as in Yarn.
Me: Well, if I don't have internet, I don't think whatever way I type it it'll load.
Marcy: Can you try yahoo.com? That's W, W, W, Y as in Yes, A as in...
Me: My internet's not connected, I can't go to it.
Marcy: You're not plugged into the wall.
Me: Umm, Yes I am.
Marcy: Do you know what I'm talking about? You don't sound sure.
Me: The long black wire that goes into the port in the wall is in my computer.
Marcy: Okay, now try the speed test.
Me: Is this all we're going to do?
Marcy: It sounds simple but many people like yourself don't know -
Me: NO, IT'S YOU WHO DOESN'T KNOW. *click

And then I threw a chair out my window.

Busy Weekend

[via gchat]

Me: Yo
Sent at 10:59 PM on Saturday
Me: yoyoyoyyoyoyo
Sent at 11:03 PM on Saturday
David: What
Sent at 11:11 PM on Saturday
David: What do you want
David: Hurry up
David: I'm jacking off.
Me: wtff

MLK Catch 22

A quickie:

2010's MLK day was not a good day for me. Woke up with what I believe to be food poisoning. Basically woke up with a huge headache, then realized I had to throw up, then as I was trying to throw up realized I had to poop.

That crap always happens to me. When I have to puke, I have to poop. My body puts the two hand in hand. It's actually a huge dilemma cause if I drop a load I don't want to stick my face into the toilet fulla feces and throw up y'know? It's not even the feces - course I'd flush. I hate the idea of 'fecal matter'. Fecal matter just sounds disgusting. It's also everywhere which is double gross. Fecal matter. *Shiver. Almost as bad as period blood. *Shiver. Ugh I just grossed myself out.

Logically - you puke first, then #2 y'know? Face is out of toilet and it's all good. but it's so hard cause your body contorts all those random muscles to puke. Seriously puking is an ab work out for me. Abs are always sore when I'm done... and also so firm and so nice HAR!! Am I the only one? But then when you poo first and you're pushing and you're all nauseous and hyper sensitive to the stench... just makes you wanna puke!


One time I REALLY had to deuce and I thought I could hold my puke but I couldn't so I thought it'd be smart to lean over while still on the toilet and puke into my bathtub. Body is happy and face isn't shoved into bowl full of feces. Win/win!...


Never puke into your bathtub.



Time to sleep - I'm in my last semester of college. I kinda took two years off from school kinda so I've been here for a while. An ex-girlfriend called me Van Wilder. Like "you're my van wilder". Lol wtf. I laughed but I got mad inside haha. VAN WILDER NO MORE.

wtf Shorts

Just a bunch of things that made me wtf around the time I came back to Illinois from home -

WoW Love

(Doesn't that look like Jennifer Love Hewitt?)

Some 16 yr old was having an online affair over the game World of Warcraft with a fellow 42 year old guildmate. The two would talk over vent (a computer telephone type of thing) and finally she decided to go see him to hook up. I think she thought he was 20. lol

It's crazy cause this actually happens a lot. I actually knew a guy who played with this one couple, a husband and a wife. He was always flirty with the wife and one day while the husband was away for some sort of business he joked that she should drive 4-5 hours to see him. And she did. Imagine that? Getting into a fight in WoW over an item that you want or something and the other guy going "OH YEAH? WELL I BANGED YOUR WIFE." Burn.

There was actually an incident a long time ago on WoW in which a guildmate had actually died in real life. The guild found out and decided to have a funeral for him. (So in wow you can control the appearance of your character - clothes and what not).





So they're having this virtual funeral for him... and then an opposing faction finds out and decides to raid the funeral (basically kill them all in-game.) So his guild died at his virtual funeral -_-

PD....A?"

I take the bus from O'hare airport down to my campus. I was sitting on the coach bus dozing on and off and I turn around cause I hear some giggling. It's dark so you can't see but I could make out this couple like...dry humping and hands and feet and wtf.

My toilet

While I was gone I had my friend house sit for me cause being away from your apartment for a long time makes sketchy people come out. I dunno why he's not particularly large but he takes MONSTER craps. He confessed to clogging my toilet after denying it because I noticed a brand new plunger next to my toilet. It's gotta be in my head or something but my toilet flushes aren't as strong anymore.

Wtf

This guy is Artie Lange. He's Howard Stern's lacky. He tried to kill himself via stabbing. Not cut his wrists or throat, STABBING. wtf. He stabbed himself 9 times. wtf. He's alive. wtf Beast mode.

Makin' Daddy Proud

I'm at the airport - my dad predicted with all the new airport terrorist scares the security would be CRAZY as in: I would be frisked, my luggage would be thrown and strewn about, I would be interrogated for my secret identity.

And... things went as normal lol.

My dad has some interesting views on the world. These usually come up when we're talking about things like Christianity and it leads into the state of the world today. I mean arguing with the guy is hard because he abuses his privilege to not listen to me and just wait til I stop making noise lol. Pops just has high expectations for his son I suppose.

A little taste:

Dad: This terrorism stuff is getting out of hand. You know, everyone was happy with religion before Jesus came along.
Me: Well, he shook things up. But there was still conflict.
Dad: Yeah, that's not cool Christians and Muslims killing each other.
Me: Well, that's only the extremists...
Dad: No. People should get along.
Me: In a perfect world, we'd all get along but conflict is inevitable if you believe in different things.
Dad: Muslims and Christians won't be able to get along.
Me: Well many do but - not those extremists.
Dad: We should compensate and reconcile.
Me: Why?
Dad: For world peace.
Me: But what about the beliefs?
Dad: How would you reconcile Muslim and Christian relations?
Me: Globally?
Dad: Of course.
Me: ....
Dad: You don't know what you're talking about.
Me: You can't ask me that! How am I supposed to know?
Dad: Why not?


I mean there was a lot more to it than that... we talked about things like biopower, the Roman Empire (lol) and rising Muslim populations in blue collar areas in Europe blah blah politics. But his ultimate finishing move is answering this crazy question and when I don't know how to answer it's GG :pose for camera: peace out. I got my dad REALLY ticked off one time cause I couldn't answer... I was on the computer -

Dad: [walks in] You read the news?
Me: Yeah, now and then.
Dad: Sigh. Healthcare situation is terrible here.
Me: Seriously.
Dad: Canada is so much better.
Me: I guess cause it's for everyone.
Dad: How would you fix healthcare in the U.S.?
Me: ....
Dad: You don't read enough news.


I mean the guy reads a lot of news but c'mon. If I knew the answers to those questions I think I'd be chillin in the White House.

Dad: How do you think Newton came up with those kinds of physics laws?
Me: Observation? Genius?
Dad: What do you think went through his head?
Me: Like.. specifically?
Dad: Yeup.
Me: (Ugh)...I really don't know... I mean didn't he make calculus? (So I threw out a random trivia fact I knew to blanket the impact of my "I don't know" it's proven to work. I do it all the time now lol)
Dad: Hmph. You need to think about that more.


Lol he got really mad at me after that one - something like "You waste your time thinking about nonsense!"

Dad: When you worked in Chicago what did you think about the economy?
Me: I mean the DOW dropped like 700 points the first day I worked (I threw that in there cause I knew something was going down. Again the blanket.) - it sucked.
Dad: Geez... that bad huh?
Me: Yeah - it was pretty sad.
Dad: What was the solution you came up with?
Me: ....
Dad: ?
Me: For the recession?
Dad: Yeah.
Me: I don't know what I'd do...
Dad: How do you not know after you worked?


So please, I need your help -
How do I solve Muslim and Christian relations globally?
How do I solve U.S. healthcare problems?
What went through Newton's head when he came up with theories?
What do I need to do to get our economy out of the recession?

Wikipolice

I tried to edit the entry 'Maryland' by putting the word 'penis' in a picture caption.

5 seconds later my edit was deleted. I did it again with something else and again deleted. I then received these PMs for both violations. The man responsible for my capture: a fellow named MANWAY... -



"Such edits constitute vandalism and are reverted." What's interesting is for the words vandalism and reverted he makes them LINKS to the wikipedia entries for the words as I have done here. Most likely a move to make me feel stupid? Bastard got me.

Basically he's saying, "Hey idiot. Quit fckin' editing this or no more wiki for you. Pwn'd." - Love, Manway. (lol I actually tried to MAKE a wiki page for "no more wiki" with a short definition of what that would mean and literally 5 seconds later it got deleted. Wikinerds mean business when it comes to their wiki.)

Sorry, Manway

Parenting 101: The Korean Sex Talk

Happy New Year :)

First entry of 2010 - my mom wants me to make it a good one... apparently.

SO. I'm home for the holidays - a lot's happened I'll talk about it in the future but...this is just something that I must get off my chest.

So my mom decided to sit me down and have the sex talk with me while I'm on break from school. Lol. I love my mom - I mean sometimes she forgets my age but I know she loves me with all her heart. She looks through my facebook sometimes to see any prospective girlfriends and gives me the down and dirty about them based on how big their noses are, how sharp their chins are, foreheads, teeth. It's interesting, maybe it'll come up another time.

Wait.

I gotta describe my dad's attempt at a sex talk first.

I'm sitting on the couch just hanging out watching T.V. and pops sits down next to me. My dad always tries to have this swag about him... so he sits down and -

"So - you been having sex?"

wtf.

Me: uhhh
Dad: Always use a condom. You got me?
Me: ... k
Dad: Good.

That was when I was 19. So almost 5 years later my mom decided it wasn't too late to take a crack at it. So... while we're looking through my facebook for fun -

Me: What about her?
Mom: Nono - she's mmm too dark-skinned.

My mom's not racist and the girl wasn't black, her skin was just dark toned. Ok I take it back, she's a little racist - but the girl really wasn't black.

Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Mom: Dark-skinned girls are too sexual crazy. SOOooo sexually demanding. The man, he comes home and he's so tired from work and they just keep bothering them and bothering them cause they want the sex. It's annoying for the man!
Me: (lol) Really now?
Mom: The dark skin girl always wants to be the sexual and the man is so tired from sex all the time they can't work properly if that happen. Stay away.
Me: ...Ok.
Mom: Why? You like the dark-skinned girls? Do they ask you for sex?
Me: wtf
Mom: You keep them away! I chase them out of my house.






MOM SAYS STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU DARK-SKINNED SEXUAL FIENDS.

A Holiday Short

Amidst all the holidays that are going on of course there are holidays sales. I went to the mall today with my fam and HOLY CRAP IT WAS PACKED. I feel like Garden State Plaza (the mall I went to) is becoming sort of a tourist spot cause there is no clothing tax in Jersey so everyone takes their friends from out of state there.

But geez traffic was insane I definitely feel that east coast drivers are much angrier than midwest ones. So we're driving and this lady's trying to get in but my dad's not letting her and she's in the way of this other lady so everyone's mouthing curse at each other (well pop's was screaming em and they probably were too but they can't hear) and I thought to myself "Man, people gotta calm down it's the holidays."

I made eye contact with the raging fat lady in the Ford focus trying to get in (it's kinda weird every time I try to recall how an angry fat white lady looks I just imagine Rosie O'Donnell lol) and I give her a curt smile and a short wave (I am sitting shotgun). I definitely feel this sign is very powerful. I'm going to elaborate on this move in the future... it's pretty interesting. Fat lady did the arms up in the air and head back "UGH... sigh" type of thing. She stopped having a tantrum and we went on our way and everyone is kinda sorta happy.

So in short... use the wave. It's the holidays man.

Home is pwn

No tests for a while!!!!

And no real incident at the airport!!!!


When I was younger I used to hate coming home from school due to the fact that I had become sick of the surroundings and tired of not being able to do whatever the hell I want without some sort of criticism (from mom and pop mostly).

Lol - maybe it's cause I have two roommates now but I freakin' love home. Here are a couple things that have recently made home pretty awesome:

My relatives like to get trashed on holidays -

I got really drunk at Thanksgiving family gathering...My cousins really like to bring on the drinks - so hard to say no when they tell you how expensive it is and how they're just FREELY giving. I THINK I hid it pretty well... someone commented that I was able to hold my drink well... and then this conversation ensued with my dad:

Dad: Hey, can you drive home?
Me: Dad... I'll be honest, if I drive we gonna die. (I spoke ghetto speak to him)
Dad: Alright. (Lies down and passes out)
Me: What're you doing?
Dad: I have to sleep a little (to sober up)



Patty don't tell dad I put this here.
My mom and sister are a big part too. My sister's 30 years old and when we're together we both become 12 and 10 (obviously me being the slightly more mature).


I live in a great neighborhood with LOTS of great Asian food. In my area it is actually Korean fried chicken that is the fried chicken of choice!!!!

And on the topic of food, you won't find managers as demographically savvy as the ones in our area!
Take WENDY'S for instance.



Ahh yes there she is - pale as a ghost.


There is a particular WENDY's at a mall in an area that is demographically minorities. Obviously the manager was smart enough to appeal to them! The mall decided to open up a store featuring Wendy's distant cousin Wakeisha.



Me pointing @ it.. I'm thinkin mom's sister had a thing for the dark skinned man.

Click it for a bigger view!


<3 home! I'll update a lot while I'm here :)

THE WORST AGAIN

Ugh! Sorry for another delay - right when I got back to school I found out I was swamped with work lol.

Anyhoo - first thing's first.

I wrote about my experience @ the airport - but then ON the plane... My seatmate was totally trashed outta his mind, it was pretty ridiculous. When drink's were offered he ordered a gin and tonic and then began to talk to me about iPods. He said:

"So my iPod...I can shake it like this *shake shake* and it'll shuffle the song. See? *shake shake* Wait, wtf... it's not shuffling." *shake shake* wtf? *shake shake shake shake shake shake shake THROW* And he THREW it down on the ground. And I looked at him and he looked at me and smiled and said, "Heh I bet it shuffled then." lol

After that he passed out... on my shoulder. I had window seat and I was leaning AWAY from him on the window and he was all over me...big burly 200 pound drunk guy. Cute.

I've been prompted with this a lot nowadays cause I really wanna do some sort of video blog.... but what do you think is a formula for a hit series youtube account? Kevjumba is apparently the #1 most subscribed Youtuber.... even Jessica Alba responds to his videos.... but I honestly don't think he's that funny! And there's this guy "Fred"... he gets millions of view per video and his stuff is absolute garbage. Like, I get angry thinking about the people who enjoy his stuff and think that they are the reason this world is going into the gutter... seriously that bad. Every episode deserves to be hated on - such garbage i hate him.

But one girl... Michelle Phan has found this formula to get tons of hits. What she does is teaches different make up things. I mean it's clever - and she's successful. But there was one episode that I came across... it has earned its place on THE WORST.
Basically this video is to learn how to do make up and dress up like "Sailor Moon".



I have a couple notes for you to read as you watch... you can skip the whole make up thing and go to the end.

(Lol someone commented: "I will never look at the moon ever again cause of you." lolol)

So skipping to 7:40...

7:40 - Finished product... she doesn't look remotely like sailor moon. She looks like a prostitute.
7:52 - Talking about Luna? "SO CUTE!" and then she goes into talking about her monkey... from family guy wtf.
8:13 - "HER MESSAGE BEGINS" OMG listen to this pile of crap.
8:18 - lolol good camera man... zooms in to cover her butt. the wind blows her skirt up as she posing lololol
8:22 - Make up is similar to a superhero costume wtf? No duh you feel more confident your face looks totally different.
8:30 - It's your "alter-ego" (caption says POWER)
8:38 - Every girl has a sailor moon in her with dreams blah blah blah held back blah blah blah 'waiting for someone to accept you for who you are' so put on your fake face. Make yourself look like a whore, boys will like you.

Ugh I thought i could do it but the rest is too cheesy to write about. I agree. I will never look at the moon the same. Cut the self help stick with make up toots.