Hot and Bothered

I'm going headed for Taiwan tonight - and then Korea afterward so I don't think I'll be able to blog for July... we'll see I'm sure a lot of crap will happen there.

I went to a wedding in Chicago - I think going back made me miss it. Ate at a place called Hot Doug's. Was pretty cool, wedding was fun, sigh~

So I have a few weird habits I picked up and I realize a lot of them are cause of people that I've interacted with.

I used to have a friend... and whenever I was in his car - just me and him - he would listen to really SOULFUL music. Like that love R&B. Basically sex music. It's all he ever played. And I'd be in his car and the first time I thought ok this is kinda weird but I guess he's in that mood y'know? Sometimes you just gotta get it out - I get it. But every, freakin', time. And he'd sing that shit to me in the car and during the very baritone low narration parts he'd touch my shoulder and mouth it to me.

"Baby - I'm sorry, baby. You KNOW I NEED you right now."

Along those lines. I was REALLY creeped out. We'd stop at traffic lights and the windows would be down and he's singing that shit and people would look at us with that "Aw two homos" look.


So whenever that music comes on the radio and I'm with another dude I HAVE to switch it. Just have to.



(I was gonna paste a dude's pic there...but putting mine wouldn't really make sense and putting the dude's just didn't seem right...so [your pic there]) (edit: I just realized you can see her boob. Oopsy - shoulda put my face there =DDD )

No John Legend, no Brian McKnight, no sax...


We recently changed phone companies at my family's house. The previous pissed off my dad somehow so we've been having the cable guys come in to give us a phone line. The first guy that came in was this really cool Haitian dude. I just sat there next to him watchin him fix everything up - he'd get a phone call from some girl every now and then and tell her he was on his way over to her place... I thought it was his wife until his wife called. Oh boy.

But the next guy. So apparently the Haitian guy didn't do everything right (we had to hook up our phone line to the ADT security system) so he came to do it. This guy was this FAT, Russian? Hungarian? I dunno some fat guy that looked like the guy from Boy Meets World/ Butterfly Effect:




But fatter than this picture.


My mom's English is pretty decent. She's pretty fluent. And he's talkin to my mom like she's a dumbass - when his English was pretty broken. Even when she's talking back to him in perfectly fine English they just can't acknowledge it. It's like a mental block or something. The whole "IF YOU PUT WIRE IN, NO GOOD. KEEP WIRE IN. SECURITY GOOD. ALARM PERFECT." slow and loud talk was in play. And then - he asks me to plug this wire into a jack so I plug it in but they were in a splitter so I just picked one.

Whatever I had to do didn't work so he sighs and lugs his sweaty fatass up from the basement to the top floor and takes it out of the one I put it into and into the other one. And I laugh and say "Oh, my bad." and he goes "Yeah. Well, it was my bad for asking."

oooooo myyyyyyy. FCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU CABLE MAN. SORRY THE STAIRS WERE HARD ON YOU. and then he left.


So yeah - that's about it on this end...I'll try to get an update in while I'm in Asia - look forward to it!

the fam

In light of father's day... decided to drop a post on some old and new things about my family.

My mom -

She's hilarious. She's a little woman with a lil poofy fro and she never fails to surprise me. In high school I used to pretend I was doing projects at my neighbors house but we'd just go into his basement and play N64. I guess she caught on after the 4th week of doing a project cause she was spying on us through the little half window that's on the ground level looking down into the basement.

Friend: (looks up) dude is that your mom?
Me: Huh? Nah.

And then I see a little poofy fro hiding behind a bush.

Me: That's my mom.

Or more recently...I like to interrupt my sister midsentence by saying 'vagina' obnoxiously loud. Kinda like....

Sister: (to my mom) So when I was going to -
Me: Vagina.
Sister: ...work I saw -
Me: Vaginaaaaaaa
Sister: Douglas. I saw
Me: Va-haaaaaaaaa-gina.
Mom: Douglas - you don't speak like that.
Sister: That's disgusting, Douglas. I saw a...
Mom: Testicle!

Lol.


My sister -

She's like....another mom. Even though sometimes she's a little clueless she's funny. She's the smart one. So my folks tend to yell at me heRE and there and nag me cause I'm not really doing anything or I'm not accomplished or I've been lazy blah blah.

Dad: (yelling at me cause I've been lazy and stuff) RAHHHHH!!!! RAAAAAAH!!!
Me: Sorry, dad I'll handle it.
Sister: Remember that one time you did this and that? That's just like this time!
Me: Oh wtf.
Dad: ...OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

So she throws me under the bus now n then... I do believe it's unintentional. Whenever I confront her and tell her she should just shuttup she gives me:

"Douglas, you never learn. You have to learn."

More recently...I slept on the couch when my folks went on a cruise cause it's cooler downstairs, but while sleeping on it I pulled off one of the couch buttons by accident. I told my sister don't tell them - she has kept this secret. When the folks came back she tattled on me about something and I accused her of being a tattle tale.

Mom and dad are sitting some 10 feet away from us.

Me: You're a tattle (walks to living room/sits on couch w/ button)
Sister: How am I tattle! I didn't tell then about the cou-... mmmm.
Me: yeah? About what?
Sister: -_-

Born to tell on me. She can't help it just WIRED to do it.


My dad -

Where to begin? He's my dad. He used to be the TERROR. The wielder of the stick. But he's mellowed out a bit. He likes to sit down and blabber on about things I need to do and how I need to live. For instance - a salary job is undesirable because it'll just cap my ability to make money. How would I solve the oil crisis? What would I do to address the environmental and economic repercussions? lol... answering that stuff is so gay.

I think his restaurant manners are atrocious... something I will elaborate on another post but one such instance is...when you call over a waiter... you kind of just raise your hand and say "excuse me" y'know? what he does is he makes eye contact and goes



and says "Hey. You come here" lolol

He's just that kinda guy...and he hasn't failed to scare the people that stay over my house. There was one instance my friend slept on the couch - my dad just kinda stood over him at like 8am and watched him until he woke up. I do not know why...

He's retiring soon so... I really don't know what he's gonna do with his time/energy... oh boy I need to move out soon. Happy Father's Day.

wtf tilt

to tilt or being tilted is basically just being so upset or driven to frustration one is thrown off their game - poor decisions, short fuse, impatient etc. etc.


I've been trying to write a script for this contest that FOX tv is holding. Basically it's a comedy pilot and they're offering 25k and a development deal to the winner. I figure "Hey, why not?". The problem is that I'm kinda stuck. It's like this eternal spiral of writer's block. I blame being home contributing 25.5% of it.

I can't seem to get on a decent roll when I'm writing - either my folks will nag me about looking for a job or someone will be fighting with someone and it's just hard being funny on paper when shit's going down around you. I gotta find a place to crash for a friend's wedding AND contact my friend in taiwan for a trip to korea. Too much crap think about = TILT. So - I've been getting annoyed... and fat. I swear I called so many people fat and pointed and laughed it's coming back to me. I need to work out...


Getting tilted so easily nowadays. NO GOOOOD. All this build up of nagging and unproductivity is really getting to me. For instance -


A while back I kinda went on this 'date' with this chick back at school. I'm pretty sure she was into me and went to bars - danced etc. So this one night we go to her place and it just so happens that a bunch of younger guys I knew from the east coast were there and it was all "AHH!!! HYUNG!! (older bro) DRINK DRINK DRINK!" So I drank drank drank and got FCKED UP. We went outside to go somewhere else and I was like zomg wtf. I'm in her car trying to stifle all this puke and then...


drip drip drip


It kinda dribbled outta my mouth. (Thank God I was in the back seat)

So I'm all "STOP THE CAR" go outside puke my brains out. She's def thinkin' "omg he puked on himself" and takes me home with some other dude. They drop me off I stumble into my apartment and wake up. My sink's on, towels in the sink, sock is in the fridge, and I'm naked. She pretty much ignored me after that - fine, understandable. Being sloppy is unattractive anyway.

So a year and a half later it so happens we're taking two classes together. Blah blah hung out studied once and that was that. She msgs me to see what I'm doing graduation night and I tell her to call me and she says k but she doesn't call. I was a little sad. But w/e.

AND NOW since she's moving to NY for work she msgs "hope you're in nj~ :)" and i'm like oh wtffffffff. You damn tilda smiley face! Change the way I see the sentence so drastically.


Tilted me off my rocker. And I know it's petty shit but I was just sooooo annoyed cause I'm not down with that. And I do confess way back then I had a crush on her. So what? she's cute :(



I ain't got time for games (Waldo)!

I have to hash this script out in like 2 days and get it copyrighted. I have 40% of it done. wtf tilt.

Update

My sister recently got a job as a high school teacher. It's a pretty impressive feat considering this time has been compared to the Great Depression when it comes to getting a job as a teacher. I've been applying here and there within our area as well as my parents see it better that I live on the East coast...

During my time home I've realized that my sister takes what I say pretty seriously and she thinks I'm an alcoholic...

Sister: Are you looking for jobs? You spend too much money. What're you doing? Are you being productive? blah blah blah Where will you get the money?
Me: I'll just sell my body.
Sister: What?
Me: I'm gonna be a hooker.
Sister: ... y'know Douglas being a male prostitute is hard.
Me: (Wtf) I was kidding.
Sister: Haven't you seen the movie Midnight Cowboy? That life is TERRIBLE!

I really don't know what compelled her to watch a movie called Midnight Cowboy.

The day I returned from college my mom and dad went on a cruise in the Mediterranean so no nagging from them... for now. As proud as I am for my sister I hope to God that her achievement will reduce the amount of nagging my parents generate. However, I do believe and fear that they will just concentrate it on me.

There's been a love bug floating around - a lot of people I know have decided to couple up. I, on the other hand, have been single for the longest length of time since high school. I am not able to bring this issue up to friends around here due to the fact that on CUE I will be called a pedophile/cradle robber in SOME manner due to a past relationship. (She was only 2.5 years younger.) WELL I'M SORRY.

On another note, I do feel as though men have to 'settle' for their partner more often than women do. Not saying women don't settle. Just - I would like to be settled for. IIIII don't want to settle for a girl. I want a girl to settle for me. I want to wake up and think in my head "God, my girlfriend could do so much better than me." Perhaps turn over and see her beautiful better-than-I-should-be-doing sleeping face smiling from thoughts of me... and then I would begin celebratory fist pumping. Every morning. Really. It would be nice.

And she would probably buy me nice things.