Homecoming Adventure with Denise Squared

I got home yesterday. Oh man - it was pretty hectic. I had a couple interviews in the Chicago area a few days before and then after that I decided to go celebrate with David and his roommate cause I GRADUATED ZOMGGGGGGGGGG

We went to a bar called Starbusters where they were having karaoke night - the kind of karaoke people go up and sing in front of the bar. I call it white person's karaoke. I must say - it's pretty awesome. Anyhoo - got home late and realized I had to leave David's place at 730 ish so I had to wake up at 630 to pack. Slept at 3... was not fun.

Woke up hung over - so as David drove me I had to ask him to pull over to puke. Of course of all places he takes me to a church parking lot. That wasn't weird. But then I had to take a massive dump.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO DUMP WHEN I HAVE TO PUKE. UGHHHHHH If I puke then the stomach contracting makes me shart my pants and if I dump first the smell makes me wanna puke and then I'm sticking my face into a bowl of crap. I've talked about this. But always always :( as we were driving I was literally looking at the ditches on the side of the road and thinking if I could do my business there. Terrible.

Finally - get to the airport.

So I usually fly American. I go to the American terminal at O'hare (#3) and swipe my credit card and look for my info. Computer wasn't finding it - so I asked the lady, Denise.


Me: Hey! It's not finding my flight information? (I said this in the most friendly way a hungover and sickly feeling person could say)
Denise: Mmmhmm - gimme a sec. What's your last name?
Me: Cho, C-h-o
Denise: First name, Mr. Chow? (Serious?)
Me: Douglas. My flight's at 10:24
Denise: -scanning computer- Psh. There's no 10:24 flight. You got the wrong airline.
Me: Wtf? Can you check for me please?
Denise: Mmmhmm. How can you forget which airline you flying?

Ok fine. Yeah I forgot which airline but in my defense - it's been 5 months since I really looked at my flight stuff and I really do usually fly American.

Me: .... Just a really hectic morning, heh. Could you PLEASE check for me?
Denise: Mmmhmm...sec - can't believe you forgot your airline.

Omg get over it. And I realized "Mmmhmm" is another way of saying a mix of "I don't believe you" and "I don't really care." and "I don't give a shit." all at once.

Denise: You're flying U.S. Airways. Seriously - you gotta quit forgettin' that kind of easy stuff.
Doug: W/E

I seriously woulda given her a piece of my mind but she had information I needed... I should've anyway BECAUSE:

I was NOT flying U.S. Airways. I walked to the next terminal (#2) swipe my card find out that my shit's not there so I call my sister and she finds it online - I'm flying United. Wtf. Fck you, Denise.

Go to the NEXT terminal (#1) so by now I've walked the span of O'hare. Get to United and I find out I can't check my bag in cause 40 minutes before is too late. So now I'm just pacing around grumbling to myself and I happen to stand on the red carpet that United has. If you go to the airport it's literally a 5 by 3 ft piece of red carpet on the ground. Apparently it's for VIPs. This lady kind of appears from behind the wall and tells me to follow her - so I do and she takes me to this like small marble encased room where everything is shiny and nice and there I explain my situation.

Immediately she looks at me and goes - "Regina! Haha, Regina's my right hand girl." And then Regina appears out of no where. "This man needs a late check in - please handle it." She looks at me "Okay, Mr. Chow you're all set to go." I won't hold it against her even though I spelled it and said it for her too. And then Regina takes my bag and puts this bad boy on it:




United is pretty awesome.

And then the lady takes me to this door and combines with the army line and rich person like that cuts ahead of everyone else. That was awesome. But of course, being all caught up in everything/hungover I left one of my carry on bags prior to the security check-in point. So I'm past the security debating if I should abandon my bag cause I have 15 minutes to board and then I turn around - and what do you know this security lady is sifting through my bag cause it was unattended luggage =)

Me: Hey! That's mine!
Denise: Mmmhmm. (yes her name was Denise as well -_-) How do I know this is your bag?
Me: There's a blue overcoat in it, a black blazer and many dress shirts.
Denise: That's bout right I GUESS. Don't you know how we treat unattended luggage? How you gonna forget this?
Me: I know... I just...

Ugh gimme a fckin break.

Denise: Mmmhmm Don't you hear the voice on the intercom that repeats itself about unattended luggage?
Me: Yes. (one word answer means she can't continue to lecture)
Denise: sigh *eyeroll - here you go..

All the Denises in the world need to lecture me apparently. WHATEVER. I got my bag back and then make a mad dash to gate B22 which obviously is at the WAY END. Get on the plane, life is good, a little worried about bags but w/e. Close my eyes... and then - this hulk of a woman comes to me.

Hulk: I believe I have the aisle, and *point* you have the window.
Me: Ahh gotcha. * I move over *

I close my eyes try to rest... and I get this nasty lead smelling splash of air into my face. I realize that my lovely fat seat mate had decided to open my air vent. I was not having this. I slowly, ever so carefully reached up for it and twisted it close - and as I did her fat head slowly turned to me to watch and said, "Well that's not nice." And then we locked eyes. At this point I'm tired, hungover, sweaty, and this plane is about to take off and I don't give a fck about what happens so I gave her the craziest look that I could muster and just stared straight back at her like "I will eat you alive, woman." and we have this staring contest for about 7 seconds. She concedes. I sleep. I'm home. GG.